What's better than scoring a hat-trick on your debut? Scoring four goals on your debut, obviously.
I'm currently on a job placement at the Non-League Paper in Wimbledon. One of things I'm enjoying most about it is hearing of the bizarre and incredible stories which seem to occur on a weekly basis outside the Football League. For example, Jon Bennet of Marlow FC.
When Moyes rolls out of bed on Monday morning, after a presumably poor night's sleep and his reoccurring nightmare of Sir Alex Ferguson hitting him over the head with one of his many Premiership titles, he will look to avoid glancing at the Premier League table. United slump in 12th place currently, below Moyes' former side, Everton, who under Roberto Matinez sit above the champions, unbeaten and with a game in hand. This predicament comes as a result of West Brom's first win at Old Trafford since 1978, as well as even more painful defeats against bitter rivals Liverpool and Manchester City. Furthermore, what Moyes' United lack in points, they make up for in huge amounts of impatient fans, with high expectations. This is why the manager's recent comments will cause such a stir among everyone associated with the club.
"We won't win the Champions League"
Various headlines today have featured a similar "quote," apparently from the lips of the United manager, however on this occasion I have sympathy for Moyes. As Scottish as he is, I still don't believe he would come across as so unambitious in the media. The full dialogue of the interview explains in much further, understandable detail how his United side lacks quality when compared to star studded sides such as Bayern Munich and Barcelona. In other words, where United have an ageing Ryan Giggs and young Tom Cleverley, Barca are blessed with duo of Xavi and Iniesta running things in midfield and in the same positions as United have Ashley Young always looking to fall over or Nani, whose feet move faster than his brain, Bayern have the wing wizardry of Robben and Ribery. Lowering the expectations would benefit Moyes greatly, as the immense pressure of the job seems to be adding new wrinkles and cracks in the previously dashingly handsome face of the Scotsman (see below). Hopefully a change in fortunes for United in the coming weeks will have David back with a smile on his face even Luke Chadwick would be jealous of, and with upcoming domestic fixtures against all the red and white striped sides in the league (Sunderland, Southampton and Stoke respectively), United have a realistic opportunity to collect three straight, very much needed, victories.
Luis Suarez starts against Manchester United this evening, Wayne Rooney's hilarious headband also starts on the head of the striker who captains United this evening. In a game which should be a tight affair, both strikers are likely to play a key role along with Sturridge and Javier Hernandez, their respective strike partners.
However all are on one striker in particular, Luis Suarez. Tonight the Uruguayan returns from his 10 match suspension, stretching all the way back to April last season when he gnawed on the shoulder of Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic.
What to expect
Suarez's usual bubble gum boot may take him a while to find after such a lengthy spell away from the pace of first team football. As well as a weaker touch, the speed of the game might highlight his lack of match fitness and sharpness. Suarez has however played in several reserve and friendly matches for Liverpool, and has featured on the scoresheet on occasion. As well as this, he's featured for Uruguay in their World Cup Qualification campaign since nibbling on Ivanovic's limbs, so don't underestimate his match readiness. Brendan Rodger's inclusion of Suarez in the side also suggests he's ready. One thing that we can certainly expect is a hostile reception from the Old Trafford crowd and I'm sure they've orchestrated some kind of 'Anti-Suarez' chant. Most importantly though, the return of 'King Luis' should motivate a Liverpool side in need of refreshment after a disappointing defeat against Southampton, and that could be a determining factor.
As for Rooney's headband, I expect it to be wrapped tightly around the strikers head all game, hiding the hideous horror which lay beneath it. And also hiding the head injury Wayne received a few weeks back.
Technique, creativity, genius, skill. These are just some of the attributes that Manchester United and Arsenal players left in the dressing room when the two sides met in an early season crunch match in 2003.
Four months prior to the distressing events that took place on that sunny September day, United were lifting the Premier League title having played some elegant football all season, with goals flying in off the boots of their star scorer, Ruud Van Nistelrooy. Or, 'Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooood', as he was known to United fans. But where there are Premier League winners, there is always a runner-up, and during the 2002-2003 season, that was Arsenal. An Arsenal side that had conquered United the year before that (2001-2002). During the season in question however, Arsenal stormed to league glory in the most emphatic way, undefeated. Not only did they not lose a game, but they won (and drew as Ferguson pointed out) many games with skillful, fast paced, flowing football. Which makes it even harder to believe the ugly events that the Battle of Old Trafford displayed.
Arsenal celebrate 2002 league title victory in Old Trafford, before United strike revenge in 2003
Imagine the new Premiership season as a house party. It was just livening up. The owner of the house, Mr Ferguson, is nowhere to be seen and he's left David Moyes in charge of running things smoothly. Yet it got out of hand quickly, Mourinho snuck in as Sir Alex departed, even more Welsh people arrived, Daniel Sturridge couldn't stop dancing and Kyle Walker's been doing nos balloons!
But just before it really got going, FIFA showed up. Not to shut down the party, but to enforce more civilized, boring party games, more commonly known as World Cup qualifiers.
Not to worry though, one week, another Rickie Lambert international goal, a dreary goalless draw in Ukraine and the usual coinciding media criticism -later, the Premiership party is ready to resume.
*push play to restart party*
If you haven't already, I strongly advise you pause the above video before continuing to read on before you begin some kind of panic attack only David Moyes on transfer deadline day can relate to.
Anyway, without sounding too much like an over dramatic Sky Sports advert; 'Here are just some of the highlights we can look forward to this weekend...'
The Wilfried Zaha Derby - Man Utd vs Crystal Palace
The 12.45pm kick-off could see Wilfried Zaha (shown below holding hands with Stephen Crainey of Wigan) face his former side who he helped to promotion last season. Whether or not Zaha merits a place in the side will depend on his manager's judgement of his midweek performance for England under 21s, pre-match training and Moyes' chances of spelling his name correctly on the team sheet. The latter being a possible reason why neither Wilfried Zaha or Shinji Kagawa have made competitive appearances for "Moyes' Boys" this season.
Zaha and Crainey competing in the traditional '3 leg race' after the Community Shield final.
Chadwick's prediction: "Three nil to United. If I said anything else the fans would kill me, they still haven't forgiven me for making that big money move away from United, to West Ham."
Ozil's Debut? Or the end of football's biggest hoax?
I won't believe that Arsenal have actually signed a world class player for such a huge fee until he makes his debut. Yes, I saw him, or at least someone who looked like him, being unveiled as Arsenal's 'new signing,' but I'm not ruling out the possibility that it's all a huge prank. What if, when Mesut was 'offered' to Arsene Wenger by Real Madrid it was actually a prank call by that renowned practical joker/club president Florentino Perez? And instead of sending the German playmaker to the Emirates, they actually sent a lookalike whose taking his own chunk out of the £44 million for his part in the scam. Far-fetched I know, but still seems more believable than the Gunners spending big in the transfer market.
Anyway, should the real Mesut Ozil make his debut this weekend it will be at Sunderland's Stadium of Light and whether he dribbles past three Sunderland defenders and curls one in the top corner or gets man marked and muscled out of the game, the German's debut will be a well discussed topic among fans, pundits and newspapers by Monday morning.
Wenger gazing lovingly at his new signing, or is he inspecting him closely to determine whether or not he's the 'real Mesut?'
